I’m writing this during my lunch break sitting in the sun…of course…in Celoron, NY at the Lake Chautauqua Harbor Hotel where I’m spending the long weekend beginning a 2-year Mediumship Coaching and Mentoring program. That’s me that is studying and learning, not me mentoring anyone. So I’ve got to say I was super excited to do this, super excited I was accepted into the program. So much so that I forgot how hard doing stuff like this actually is. I guess it’s like childbirth (of course I know nothing about that and am only going on what other folks have said…), in that, you forget the pain.
As is usually the case with these kinds of things, the days are long and hard and they bring up a lot of stuff. I’m remembering when I first went to my first Shamanic studies course, also in Upstate NY, but for a week, not just a weekend and I was texting the hubby saying, ‘Get me out of here. I don’t belong. I’m not good enough.’ The reason I’m reminded of that is because I pretty much just sent him the exact same text 5 minutes ago. Almost exactly 5 years after I sent the first text.
Unfortunately, I think it’s become natural for me to be sitting in a room with 15 other people and looking around at them, listening to them speak, listening to the questions they’re asking, watching them do a reading and comparing myself to them. I wish that wasn’t the case, but it is. I guess I can’t help it. But what I have to remind myself is that many of the folks in that room are probably doing the same thing.
So what is it about me…and others…that just can’t give myself/ourselves a break? What is it about me that doesn’t understand that these skills are ones that have to be cultivated. I mean for crying out loud I TEACH THAT EXACT THING TO MY STUDENTS! That it just doesn’t ‘happen’ immediately. That you have to build the muscle. That this oh-so-bizarre yet oh-so-cool thing I’m able to do takes time to become what it’s going to become for me. In other words, why am I so hard on myself?
About an hour ago, as we broke up in to small groups to do Spirit readings for each other I felt TOTALLY overwhelmed. No direction. Just sit in front of someone and read them. And I heard myself say, ‘I can’t do this.’ But then I said, ‘Well you owe it the person you’re reading to at least try.’ Did I do it the EXACT way I was supposed to? Who knows? At the last minute I decided to just do it the way that felt best, easiest, and most importantly, most of service to the readee. (In other words follow my intuition…duh.) I was reminded of what I told a student a couple of weeks ago right before she did her Certification Reading to become a Soul Level Animal Communicator®. Take yourself out of it and do it for the person in front of you. So that’s what I did. Was it perfect? Far from it.
But it was a start. Here’s to new beginnings…